Once upon a time in a land far far away, long before the sigil that said Dee-Ess-Ell, a young man traversed the land.

And in those days, the Boards of the Sages were few, for the lands were still new and untamed. Many Sages spoke within a Net-of-Use, others worshipped Genies, while others, perhaps wiser, crept towards a place called CompuServe.

And so it was known in that fabled place that each week a pile of tablets of stories and tales and fantasies and wonders would arrive. And so it was that so many of these tablets would arrive that few men could choose wisely in the picking. And so it was the young man decided that he would help the assembled Sages choose wisely in their commerce.

And so it was decided he would become a critic.

A Savage Critic.

(There is another version of this tale that is only told to the women of the tribe. We shall leave it at that, for everyone knows that Girls Don’t Read Comics.)

***

It all started, as I recall, because I made a casual comment on Doug Pratt’s Comics and Animation Forum on CompuServe. That comment was such: after putting out all the comics of each week’s shipment, I take pretty much all of them home, and read them. After all, I work the "main" days of the week (after New Comics Day, natch): Thursday-Saturday. And, of course, it’s a good thing to have a basic idea of WHAT it is you are selling people.

Some wag, naturally, protested. "No way you can read all of them there funny books. Simply not possible."

Yer arse.

So, I had to PROVE it, didn’t I?

(This is the type of chest-thumping that leads to, say, war.)

So, every week, once I had finished reading all of the funny books, I’d start a thread called The Savage Critic, where I’d do short reviews of everything. Sometimes VERY short. Like One-Word-Short. Who has time to do a FULL review of everything, anyway? Reading it is hard enough!

I used your basic ten-point scale, ranging from "Crap" to "Excellent" – but fuck me if I can remember the exact details of that scale all these years later.

So for the 21^st Century version of the Savage Critic, I will be using a seven-point scale, as follows:

Crap

Awful

Eh

OK

Good

Very Good

Excellent

Basically, I try not to buy anything lower than "Very Good". Don’t always succeed, of course, but I try.

And, of course, Your Mileage May Vary. My tastes aren’t especially sacrosanct, and I’m quite sure that you, Gentle Reader, will often disagree with my judgment. That is fine. This is merely my opinion.

Let me also note, that no matter how catty and bitchy I may get, I not only love comics, but I love the people that create them. I WILL bag on books in the following pieces, and, yes, I WILL bag on creators as well. My mama told me that if you believe positive reviews, you gotta accept the negative ones, too. Something that is often forgotten on the Internet is that there are real people just like you on the other side of the screen, and that’s just as true in comics. I respect everyone who tries.... even if I have impossibly high standards as a reader.

And, with the touchy-feely crap out of the way.... let’s get to the savaging!

WAIT!!! One more thing!! There are MOST DEFINITELY SPOILERS ahead! I absolutely talk about stories, and if you don’t want things SPOILED for you, STOP READING NOW! You have been warned.