The Savage Critic: July 3rd, 2002

By Brian Hibbs

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends.

I think, for the time being, Sunday is going to be the day you see the Critic – partly this is NeverWinter’s fault (yikes, I’ve even slowly begun work on my own module), and partly Jeff’s fault as he spends far too much time with Shmoopy. (I would have written this yesterday, but Jeff wasn’t anywhere near his computer to post it – girlfriends can do that) (But not, oddly enough, wives)

Favorite story this week: an elderly lady wanders in the front door. “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just killing time while I wait for an appointment. What type of store IS this?” “Ah, it is a comic book store, ma’am.” (For some reason, whenever I say that, even when I’m IN the store, they always go “A what?” and I have to repeat it) “Oh, is that some sort of a cult?”

Well, I thought it was funny.

Onwards.

ALIAS #11: The first of three Bendis comics this week, and each review is going to be about the same: how dare he write so well. No really, I enjoyed the hell outta this. Very Good

ARIA A SUMMER SPELL #2: Perfectly adequate in every way, though slight, just like anything relating to faerie. Good.

AVENGERS #55: Bring on the new writer, already. Eh

BASTARD SAMURAI #2: Stylish and beautifully designed, but I really don’t care much for any of the characters. Looks fab, though. Eh

CALL OF DUTY THE BROTHERHOOD #2: Again, the supernatural elements mar what would have otherwise been a great “straight” fireman comic. Good.

CEREBUS #279: Just as we settle back into the mindset of “Dave’s lost it again”, he turns around with an issue like this. God, that was great, and really shows why Sim is a master of both parody AND storytelling. Excellent.

COURTNEY CRUMRIN & THE NIGHT THINGS #4: ‘sfine. OK

CRUSADES #17: I’m not 100% sure, but I think I may very well have just read the Very Worst comic book I’m EVER read in my life. At the very least, it is DEFINITELY the Worst Vertigo comic I’ve ever read (and with The Minx and Nocenti’s Kid Eternity as competition, that’s still saying a lot!). Let us count the ways, shall we? First off Venus is all het up to solve the murders. So what does she do? Promptly forgets about them as soon as she sees a minor character in order to wander over into the most minor of subplots. But wait! The murderer coincidentally chooses to strike just then! Stupid, but I guess I can deal with that.

            Through the miracle of sloppy storytelling, Venus SOMEhow manages to change into the spare suit of armor she’s been toting around, before the killer actually, y’know, kills anyone (and why am I ABSOLUTELY sure it will turn out to be Addas?), even though there’s no chance in hell that Venus has the slightest idea how to wield a sword.

            She takes a wound to the leg (that the caption helpfully tells us “usually kills through shock”... but, of course, DOESN’T), that seemingly completely disappears on the next few pages, while the killer is defeated by... an earthquake.

            Well, of course, it is San Francisco, isn’t it? *rolls eyes*

            This same earthquake (6.4?!?! San Franciscans SLEEP through those, man), conveniently chases her mom away in a single balloon of dialogue, AND “collapses” the “underground city” (*rolls eyes again*) that has supposedly been there since 1906. Despite, y’know, the fact that SF has had any number of earthquakes much greater than 6.4 in the intervening years.

            Sure.

            And let’s add to that the two people she “rescued” don’t recognize Venus in the armor, even though they had just been talking to her 2 minutes before.

            This comic reads like Seagle was told he was cancelled in 2 issues, so he’s desperately trying to wrap up plot lines in any possible way, regardless of how much credibility it strains, in order to get through to the end.

            What’s most frustrating is I (otherwise) LIKE Seagle and Jones’ creative output. Heck, I was a huge fan.

            Normally the Savage Scale goes as low as “crap”. When Lester did the fill-in Critic a few weeks back he came up with a “sub-Crap” rating of “Ass”. This is below that, even: Unwiped Ass

DARKMINDS MACROPOLIS #3: If you’re going to riff on Blade Runner, maybe do it a LITTLE less obviously? Mm, and saying “f*ck” and “sh*t” is dumb, folks – that’s going to piss off the parents JUST as much as saying “fuck”, and it pisses guys like me off even more. Eh

DETECTIVE COMICS #772: I have this odd feeling that Sascha will be completely forgotten about post-Rucka. Hope I’m wrong. Josie Mac also ends this issue. Good

DOOM PATROL #10: Cute, but fairly superfluous. Art’s keen, though. Eh

ELEKTRA #12: Not much of an Elektra comic, really – but I still liked it fine, despite it ignoring anything that happened in the first 10 issues. OK

EXILES #15: Oh, I dunno – too much characterization crammed into the MIDDLE of fight scenes. It sorta works, I guess. Eh

FANTASTIC FOUR #58: Reads like a fill-in, but there’s a few clever enough ideas in here. Still, it IS a fill-in. Eh.

FILTH #2: Well, I like it, at least. Very good.

GEN 13 #0: Only 13 cents, and as of Saturday night we’ve only sold TWO copies from the rack. That does not bode well for the ongoing, to say the least. It’s Claremont, and you know what they say: He’s the best at what he does, but what he does isn’t very good. The other two features (21 down and Resistance) felt like “well, they asked us to write 4 pagers, but we haven’t any ideas” Awful.

GREEN LANTERN BRIGHTEST DAY BLACKEST NIGHT: Pretty to look at, and I always appreciate anything that does Alan Scott, but not as compelling as Seagle’s Sandman Mystery Theatre. The $6 price tag makes a better review impossible. OK

HAWKMAN #5: Putting aside the stupidity of “You caught the wrong archer,” the scenes with Ollie and Carter were excellent. So, overall, Good

HIGH ROADS #4: Humorous, but slighter than tissue paper. Eh

INFERNO HELLBOUND #2: Being a million months late doesn’t help inspire any excitement for this B-movie on paper. Eh

JLA DESTINY #2: What the fuck IS this, and why was it greenlit as a JLA project? Awful

JUSTICE LEAGUE ADVENTURES #9: Eh

KILLER PRINCESSES #2: Story-telling gets pretty confused in places (I can’t tell which princess is doing what), but the script was a huge improvement over #1. An acquired taste, me thinks. Eh

KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE #69: Funny, as per. Good

LAB RATS #4: Like you didn’t see that last page coming? Awful

LIBERTY MEADOWS #26: Funny, as per, but not as much as KODT. OK

MARVEL KNIGHTS DOUBLE SHOT #4: Lovely lovely Gene Ha Iron Fist story, that didn’t seem to have much of a point, followed by something else that 3 days later I’ve blocked out of my mind. So... awful

MARVEL KNIGHTS VOL 2 #4: Again: who thought THIS was a good idea? Crap

MARVEL MANGAVERSE #4: I’m enjoying this Manga-take in the MU, but you have to know this isn’t long for the world, right? OK

PAPER MUSEUM VOL 1 #1: Several “classic” genres (Sci-fi, pulp, etc.) done with a twist – for the format and quality of the work, $2.95 is a steal – though the only story I actually perked up and paid attention to was the pulp one. That was pretty funny. Still, the “worth looking at” quotient makes this a Good

POWERS #21: Just like the review of Alias. Very Good

RUSE #9: I still wish Emma would deck him, and I think the double page spreads need to go, but otherwise, not much to say besides OK

SAVAGE DRAGON #99: *marking time to #100* Eh

SCI SPY #6: It ends. Not horrible (it’s Gulacy, how COULD it be?), but not very exciting, either. Eh.

SPECTRE #19: Fill-in issue, where John Ostrander continues his Kirby New Gods fixation... but he’s the only one who does them who doesn’t slavishly do Kirby, and instead tries to find new hooks into the material. In Other Words: I liked it. Good

THUNDERBOLTS #67: Bi-weekly is bad for comics, IMO. These are coming out too fast to care either way. Eh

TOM STRONG #17: Whereas, if they’re going to do multi-part stories, this needs to come out much much faster. Good

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #24: And Bendis #3, giving us a hat trick of Very Goods

UNCANNY X-MEN #408: “No, I came up with the idea of super-Hookers first!” Eh

VAMPIRELLA #10: Again, I am embarrassed to read this book anywhere where other human beings might observe me. Awful

X-FACTOR #3: The “shadowy govt. conspiracy” thing is a bit stale, but if this had been the first issue, I might have enjoyed the series. Still, clear progression of scripting from issue to issue, and that’s always a good thing. OK

YOUNG JUSTICE #47: Whatever. Eh

For Sake of Completeness, here’s a list of all of the OTHER comics that CE got in this week, that I did NOT read (and, therefore, am unlikely to review!). Note, that in most cases this is limited to 1) Manga, which I try to read as it is collected; 2) “Kids” comics like most of the Archies; 3) titles that were subs-only, either by design or accident; 4) Porno [oh, like you need me to REVIEW it!], 5) Things that looked SO bad on the racks that I didn’t bother, and 6) stuff that I’ve assessed before, and I care so little about that I don’t want to waste my time reading anymore. You decide which is which.

ALICE IN SEXLAND #4 
BETTY & VERONICA SPECTACULAR #55
DEMENTIAS DIRTY GIRLS #1 
GI JOE BATTLE FILES #2
INCAL #10
JUGHEAD #145
JUGHEAD WITH ARCHIE DIGEST #176
KODT EVERKNIGHTS #1
LADY DEATH DARK ALLIANCE #1
LIFE OF A FETUS #7
LOONEY TUNES #92
MERIDIAN #25
PALS N GALS DOUBLE DIGEST #68
PATH #4
PLEASURE BOUND #9 
POWERPUFF GIRLS MOVIE THE COMIC
PUNCTURE #4 
SELECTED READINGS FROM SATANSPOWDER ROOM #1
SHUCK #2 IN PURGATORY
SILENT MOBIUS TURNABOUT #6
SKELEBUNNIES #2
SPIDER-GIRL #49
STEVEN GRANTS MORTAL SOULS #3
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #4
TIGERS OF LUFTWAFFE #9

And, for even MORE completeness sake, here’s a list of books, TPBs, GNs, magazines, and other things that CE got this week. I generally haven’t read any of this by the time I post these reviews. Though I generally attempt to give at least one recommendation amongst the TPBs each week, since I HAVE read the material at SOME point.

ALIAS HC 
ATTITUDE NEW SUBVERSIVE POLITICAL CARTOONISTS
AUTHORITY EARTH INFERNO AND OTHER STORIES TP
CINEFANTASTIQUE VOLUME 34 #5
CINESCAPE AUG 2002 #63
CLASSIC STAR WARS A LONG TIMEAGO TP VOL 1
COMICS SPOTLIGHT MAGAZINE
CONAN SKETCHBOOK BY MARK SCHULTZ
CYBERTRONIAN TRG UNOFFICIAL TRANSFORMERS GD VOL 5
EPILEPTIC VOL 1 TP
FANGORIA #214
FEMME FATALES VOLUME 11 #8
FORTEAN TIMES #160
GHOST RIDER THE HAMMER LANE TP
HR GIGER 2003 WALL CALENDAR
INCREDIBLE HULK VOL 1 TP RETURN OF THE MONSTER
JACK KIRBY COLLECTOR #35
JUDGE DREDD MEGAZINE VOL 4 #12
MISSIONARY MAN GN
NEIL GAIMANS CORALINE SPECIALEDITION HC
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION VOL 6TP
PINKY & STINKY GN
REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST VOL 2 HC WITHIN BUDDING GROVE
RING OF THE NIBELUNG VOL 2
ROAD TO AMERICA TP
SLOW NEWS DAY TP
STAR WARS THE HUNT FOR AURRA SING TP
STRAY MOONBEAMS 
TRIPWIRE MAGAZINE #11
VAGABOND VOL 2 TP
VIDEO WATCHDOG #85
VIOLENT MESSIAHS VOL 1 BOOK OF JOB TP

This Week’s TP recommendation is: While stinky Marvel Star Wars reprints are good for a laugh (read that pre-Jedi Luke and Leia dialogue now for an icky feeling in your gut), and the breaking up of Millar’s Authority run makes you go “Uh?”, I want to give this to something good, which means it goes to the Alias HC

Average Rating for the Week: 42 books “reviewed” for an average rating of 3.66 (out of a possible 7.00)

Pick of the Week:  The old man still has life in him: Cerebus #279. That Journal parody stuff was fuckin’ brilliant.

Pick of the Weak:  It’s the kind of a comic, that, were I Paul Levitz, I’d be firing editors for: Crusades #17. So awful, I had to invent a new category.