Although I was tempted to jump on the oh-so-annoying bandwagon of picking the ten greatest comics of the last millennium (10. The Sistine Chapel; 9.  Watchmen; 8. Tricky Cad; etc., etc.) I've decided it would be far more productive to try and establish my own personal end-of-year awards.  So here are this year's "fannies."  Or I don't know, Rampies.  I haven't quite figured it out yet.

The Kevin Smith Punctuality Award:  A lot of tough competition in the field for this one, but I give it to Grant Morrison for Invisibles.  The series was supposed to run monthly through 1999 with a countdown from issue twelve to issue one, so that the series ended with the millennium.  At this rate, issue one will be out by, I don't know, 2005?  Runner up goes to Frank Miller and Dark Horse for 300:  The Widescreen Edition, originally scheduled for August and still not out yet?  Dudes, what's up with that?  All you had to do was turn the book sideways, right?

The David Lapham Humility in Publishing Award:  This one's a rough one, too, but I decided to go with Eric Larsen's Savage Dragon Hardcover.  A hardcover for four issues?  Of the Savage Dragon?  For Eighty bones?    Did Larsen become a publicly traded Internet company when I wasn't looking?

The Best Reason to Walk Into A Comic Store (1999):  For me, it's the publication of From Hell, by Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell.  Finally collected into one volume, this big-ass book brings Victorian England to dark and haunting life and makes the story of Jack The Ripper a look at the 20th Century through a glass darkly.  A formalist masterpiece, this work has some of the best writing of Moore's career and the most sustained art of Campbell's.  Not without its problems, but easily one of the great literary works of the 90's.  And the only place you can get it is in a comic shop!  Runner-up:  The Milk & Cheese lunch box.  I am the envy of every person I know for having this fine, fine piece of work, and had close to a dozen "where the hell did you get that" queries.  And I've had the darn thing less than a month.  Now if they could just do a follow-up thermos...

The Fin Fang Foom Incipient Fascism Award:  goes to our dear friends at Diamond Comics for handling its monopoly distribution position with the grace becoming a Lee Kirby creature from Where Monsters Dwell.  Whether refusing to carry a superhero parody called Kieron Dwyer's Big Red Cock, grudgingly accepting the solicitations of the latest Xeric winners, or angling to put most comic shops out of business with its NextPlanetOver venture, Diamond could teach Microsoft some lessons in corporate bullying.

The Unus the Untouchable Uncriticizable Storyline Award: I've been meaning to make fun of "No Man's Land" for over a year.  But it's practically impossible, because the damn thing seems more and more absurd and stupid the longer it goes on.  They couldn't have damaged the realism factor to Batman more if they had tried to bring back Batmite, Ace the Bathound and ol' Aunt What's-Her-Name all at once.

The Vicki Vale Comic Book Movie of the Year Award:  Nope, not The Matrix.  Three Kings, m'friend.  If you want to see a Garth Ennis comic book on the big screen, Three Kings is the movie to catch.  I swear I almost saw Ice Cube and George Clooney turn into Steve Dillon drawings before my eyes.

The Professor X Exercise Award: According to DC Comics and Mediamark Research, comic book readers are twice as likely as the average person to be Internet users, twice as likely to buy a book, and seven times more likely to play video games.  Although this was actually research used to convince everyone that comic book readers are (surprise!) compulsive consumers, it actually makes me feel pretty darn lame in the physical fitness department, too.

The Spider-Clone Unlikely Turn of Events Award: Definitely goes to the family of Jerry Siegel for winning back their share of the copyright to Superman.  God only knows what this means or what will happen as a result, but it sure is a shocker.  It would be nice if the Siegel family actually reported how much their half of the Man of Steel ends up amounting to, instead of letting all the comics reporters guess, but I doubt it'll happen.

The Dr. Doom Award For Going Away Without Ever Really Leaving: Goes to Neil Gaiman.  I like his work and everything, but why does it seem like I can't turn around without seeing some new work by him?  (And, no, wise guy, it's not because I'm standing in Comix Experience.)  The guy has pretty much left the field and read almost as much by him as I have by Grant Morrison, which admittedly isn't saying all that much.

The Scully And Mulder Conspiracy Award: Goes to me, for believing that the reason why the whole Siegel Superman copyright case hasn't been covered in the mainstream press is because of a cover-up.  Do you think Disney, which lobbied so long and hard to extend the copyright laws' current deadlines, is going to let, say, ABC News, Nightline or 20/20 report that creators have a way to get copyright control of their creations back?  Guess again, my friend.  And there's a lot of other entertainment companies holding valuable news franchises that feel exactly the same way.

The Funky Flashman Self-Promotion Award: I promised to lay off Stan, so it's not StanLee.Net (although it probably should be).  In fact, it goes to Joe Simon, who has filed for a return of copyright (similar to the Siegels) for Captain America.  Incredibly, Simon claims that Jack Kirby was not part of the actual creation of Captain America. Simon maintains that he drew the original character sketches, wrote the scripts and provided the layouts to Kirby, who came in later in the role of penciller.  Hey, I love Prez and Brother Power the Geek as much as the next guy, Joe, but your post-Kirby creations have been almost as anemic as Stan's.  This just seems ugly and wrong to me, but I guess it's up to the courts to figure things out.

The Jorge Luis Borges Marketing Award: Goes to Larry Young, Agent of Shield.  Larry has a lot of accomplishments to be proud of this year, but I know that becoming a fictional character is probably secretly at the top of the list.  As the hard-drinking, tough-talking agent in Deathlok that takes no crap, Larry is actually a lot more interesting than the pretty dull lead character Casey is writing.  (By the way, look for Detective Jeff Lester in the first issue of AIT:  Space 1959!  And vote for me for this award at this time next year!)

The Mad Thinker Financial Acuity Award:  Kevin Smith bags this one for knowing who pays the bills. Daredevil?  Late as hell.  Jay & Silent Bob?  Late as hell.  Dogma, the Motion Picture?  On time and under budget, baby.