Looks like those radioactive figurines I bought off the Puppet Master on Ebay a couple of months ago are really paying off. I was able to craft a figurine into the perfect facsimile of an assistant editor at Marvel (who's really just an imperfect facsimile of a Marvel editor, anyway), and mentally commanded him to send me the latest interoffice memo from Marvel's new editor-in-chief, Joe Quesada.

As you probably know, Quesada edited Marvel Knights, the largely successful quasi-autonomous outsource of such books as Kevin Smith's Daredevil, Paul Jenkins and Jae Lee's Inhumans, and whoever the hell did that Touched-By-An-Angel version of the Punisher. Since taking charge, Quesada has been a powerhouse of action, disseminating an impressive 305 press releases in under a month.

But what about Quesada behind the scenes? Can he reach the prestigious heights of Gerry Conway's two week tenure back in 1976? Or is he doomed to meander helplessly like old Stan Somebody-or-other did during that bleak period of the mid-60s? How does one handle the awesome responsibility of being a figurehead in a company that is broke, in danger of financial collapse and is reportedly paying freelancers in MarvelMania Restaurant coupons? And more importantly, where does he fall on that all-important Lil' Bow Wow issue?

Well, now, thanks to Fanboy Rampage, Ebay, and one of the five lamest supervillains of all time, these important questions can finally be answered.

*****

TO: The Bullpen

FROM: Joe Quesada, Editor-In-Chief

RE: Welcome to the Ashen Age of Marvel Comics!

Hey, everyone, it's me, Joe Quesada. As you all know, I'm a cheerful likeable guy who is very thrilled to be heading Marvel Comics during this important transition period -- hopefully a transition from near-collapse to astonishing success, rather than from near-collapse to total collapse.

Now, as you all know, the editor-in-chief position at Marvel teeters between having genuine power and kowtowing to junk-bond ridden investors who have performed the fiscal equivalent of locking oneself in the old refrigerator of an abandoned junkyard. It's not an easy job, I'm finding, but it does beat getting paid in Speculator Shakes and Flame-On Fries. And so I ask you to bear with me as I lay out some of the specific ways Marvel Comics will be changing in the next few months.

First, as you know, the Marvel Knights has been a largely successful line and although it's certainly due, in no small part, to the hot, upcoming talent we signed, I cannot stress enough one of the secrets to Marvel Knights' success: shipping late.

Kevin Smith's run on Daredevil, for example, could not have been the success it was if it had not shipped ridiculously late. This allowed word of mouth to build between issues. Now, some issues were so late, word of mouth built to the point that backlash kicked in. But we actually shipped so far past even that point that we had enough time for a backlash to the backlash to kick in, resulting in, once again, strong word of mouth. Additionally, we were all so glad to finally have the last long-delayed part of Kevin's storyline in hand that it actually took three or four months to sink in just how anti-climatic and dumb it was. I mean, Mysterio? Given a choice between God, the Devil and a guy in a green mesh jumpsuit with a fisbowl head, you picked Mysterio?

In any event, it is my goal to increase Marvel's presence in the marketplace by shipping as many books as late as humanly possible. I feel that this, combined with a steady stream of press releases, will help make every issue of a Marvel comic feel more like an event and less like public transit.

Now, you may have noticed the success of our Ultimate Spider-Man and Ultimate X-Men books. This is certainly fortuitous for us, because the sad fact is, the "Ultimate" line of books stemmed from a budgetary concern; namely, the rising price of adjectives. Thanks to a deal that we've cut with our printers (Ultimate Press, out of Winnepeg), Ultimate will now be the only adjective Marvel will use on the cover of its books. No more Amazing, no more Uncanny, no more Incredible–only Ultimate. The transition will start soon with the Ultimate Hulk and the Ultimate Thor and culminate in the relaunching of our new flagship title, The Ultimate Four. We expect great things from Uh?, Ut! and UF, and look forward to the greatly increased speculation that these titles will bring.

On a more personal note, I'm keenly aware that the need to bring new readers into the marketplace is greater than ever, and so it is with great pleasure that I announce the launching of the Marvel Shorty line. Expect Marvel Shorty titles to be sophisticated stories that are kid friendly and self-contained, but will also contain all the successful elements a book needs to survive in today's marketplace. You'll have to agree that our first miniseries, Barbie vs. Predator, (done in partnership with Dark Horse Comics) has all the elements mentioned above. We've also signed Brian Bendis to do an updated version of Spidey Super-Stories that should appeal to both fans of the old Electric Company TV shows and David Mamet's movies and plays. Brian's catchy opening slogan, "Reading is for closers!" is already generating much excitement around the office, to say nothing of the first story, in which Spider-Man and Easy Reader have to catch a mysterious killer whose murders are based on the seven deadly sins

You'll notice that I handle all of the letters for the Marvel Knights books myself, which I think adds a fun, intimate flavor to the proceedings. Although, sadly, I won't be able to extend this to all the Marvel books, I think it would be a good idea for the editors and assistant editors to follow a few simple guidelines to guarantee similar results. First, make sure all the letters are short. Second, make your responses equally short. Third, make fun of the letter-writers. Fourth, make fun of the book's writers. Fifth, make fun of yourself, but only if you can't think of anything really funny to say about the letter-writers. Sixth, we're all New Yorkers here. Don't be afraid to cop a little bit of NY attitude if you sense that somebody needs to be smacked down. In one of the letter pages for Garth's Punisher, I called a letter writer a bitch. Please note my important seventh rule, i.e., only call a male reader a bitch, never, EVER a female reader. The proper term for a female reader is a Bee-Yatch.

Now, I know there's been a lot of speculation about Kevin Smith. I want to assure you that I do not plan on merely bumping any writer willy-nilly just because Kevin expresses an interest in taking a book and putting out eight issues of it over a year and a half. I would never, ever do this and besides, Kevin is way too busy. Nonetheless, there is no denying the synergy and electricity that a Kevin Smith comic book brings to the market; in no small part, because Kevin was known as an independent filmmaker long before he was known as a comic book fan. Therefore, I have been in touch with many major indy filmmaker friends of Kevin to see if they would have any interest in working with some of Marvel's flagship characters. Particularly exciting is a filmmaker whose exciting titles and boring films make him a perfect match for today's Marvel Comics. Yes, Jim Jarmusch (Ghost Dog, Dead Man, Mystery Train) is in talks to relaunch the Defenders! And, of course, Quentin Tarantino's Galactus The Mack is still scheduled for release at the end of the year. From there, I'm sure you'll agree, the sky, or perhaps the multiplex, is the limit.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I would like to finally put to rest a topic repeatedly discussed in hushed tones in the Marvel offices since the day I started. Lil' Bow Wow is NOT just a cheap knock-off of Kris Kross. Lil' Bow Wow is an experienced young rapper who has already achieved a remarkable degree of professionalism and sophistication and whose flow, if I may say so, is not wack, whereas Kris Kross were two little dumbasses who wore their pants backwards.