I’m going to have to be brief. Looking at my list, I still have to get magic mushrooms, a wonderbra that matches my complexion, a voodoo fetish, and make two pounds of rice before this time tomorrow. No, not for Grant Morrison’s Tupperware party — for Burning Man!

I know you’re groaning aloud as you read this: there’s no easier way to milk 1,500 to 2,000 words than write about Burning Man, and talk about all the crazy types, and all the fantastic art, and all the wild unwashed hippies and dot-com people who talk about how amazing and liberating it is to walk around in feather boas in 120 degree heat with day-long dust storms “liberating” you from all your possessions and blah-blah-blah. Well, you’re in luck — I don’t even have time for that. No, instead, you’re going to get the text of this press release Hibbs and I just got through the CE website’s email. It’s for a project that says a lot about the comic industry, and I thought you all would be interested. I’ll see you all when I get back from “the burn!”

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TO:      ALL MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA

FOR:    IMMEDIATE RELEASE

RE:       ENDCAP COMICS — A NEW IDEA IN COMICS

Today, August 18, 2002, Kevin Preakness announced in a press conference the launching of Endcap Comics, whose products retailers can expect to see solicited for a December Release. “This is an exciting time for comics fans and comics retailers,” Preakness, 33, announced. “Endcap Comics has come up with a synergistic solution to today’s comic market that will thrill readers and enrich retailers.”

“Using highly respected analysts, Endcap comics has studied the modern comic book marketplace and concluded the two surest trends in comics are titles with hot creators working on them, and titles with popular licensed products. And although occasionally a creator can become hot by working on an established property, we’re finding a great receptivity in the marketplace for already established creators working on already established properties. The recent successful pairing of Alex Ross with Battle of the Planets for Top Cow Productions, and J. Scott Campbell’s work on Thundercats is proof enough of that. We’ve found in our research that today’s comic reader prefers a familiarity or pre-established knowledge of the product and yet don’t want the hassle of a stringent or inaccessible continuity, as is the case with many other comic books today. As for the comic creators, our research has shown that they prefer having no familiarity with the product and yet would like bags of money delivered straight to their door. Endcap Comics was able to produce an editorial plan that will fulfill all these needs for all parties involved.”

After these initial remarks, the press conference went on to have statements and brief question and answer periods from the creators, many of whom were patched into the conference via speakerphone. A brief listing of Endcap’s initial projects, with comments by the creators, follows:

THE SMURFS by Alan Moore: The popular creations by Belgian cartoonist Peyo will be the subject of a limited series by popular creator Alan Moore. “I see the series as running roughly twenty-four issues,” Moore said, “and would like to use it as a tool with which to explore some current theories about recursive thought, the development of intelligence, and the influence of drugs on culture. The Smurfs represent a sort of paradigm of a Kantian conception of thought, where each character is essentially identical, except for a single trait that defines them. Whereas previous cartoon paradigms were likely to separate these characteristics by animal — crafty cat, loutish dog, hungry mouse — Peyo has each of these characteristics in a single unique species, which is then sorted by characteristic, and, again, this is more indicative of a Kantian ontology. I’m hoping in this series to develop the Smurfs in light of more recent philosophical theories, at the very least, as well as introduce many of the more recent scientific experiments and theories about how some thoughts achieve unique and distinctive characteristics while others merely loll about in the back of your head like so many blue-skinned figurants.”  When asked if any other classic characters of Peyo’s would be included in the series, Moore said simply, “I don’t know yet. I was only offered this job two minutes before I got on the phone.”

BIG JIM, by Brian Azzarello: ‘70s action figure Big Jim will be the focus of a new series by popular crime writer Brian Azzarello. “Big Jim started out as an athlete,” Azzarello explained. “He came packaged with his own sports gear, or you could buy sports playsets, and he had an action arm that moved when you pressed a spot on his back. It would throw the ball, deliver a karate chop, toss a javelin, what have you.”  Later, due to slumping sales, a more action-oriented line was launched, with figures like The Whip and Dr. Steel. “None of that interests me,” Azzarello commented. “The focus of my series is more about professional athletes and crime. That’s something far more relevant to than whether Dr. Fruitypants and The Handcuffs thwart the maniacal scientists of ScaryShit Island. Professional athletes who get involved with crime, even though they’re making big money and are adored by millions, is something you see every day, particularly here…on the hard streets…where I live.”  Azzarello paused for a moment. “I spend a lot of time going down to playgrounds on the tough side of town, hear how people down there speak, how they think. And the basketball court is this incredibly conflicted core to every project-ridden neighborhood. It’s like the forebrain or something — it’s where everything happens. You see people there playing ball because they know it’s their only way out of the neighborhood, you see people there selling drugs there because they know that’s where everyone’s going to be, and you see people scoring drugs there because they know that’s where the drug dealers are going to be. And, ironically, you get guys who want to be on the court, work on their skills and have the best chance possible of making it out of the neighborhood, but in order to have enough cred to be allowed to play have to engage in the very things they’re trying to escape. They have to get in with a gang. They have to pull crimes, they have to deal drugs. I’ve seen it happen here… on the hard streets… where I live.”

Although Azzarello said the series was still taking shape in his mind, he did have some basic ideas. “The focus will be on Big Jim as he tries to find out what happened to Big Jack. Big Jim and Big Jack, along with Big Josh and Big Jeff, were all part of a local jungle ball team and gang called the Bigs. Big Jim, who now plays for the Pistons, is laid up with a sports injury and is hooked on painkillers. With too much time on his hands, he decides to look up the guys in his old crew, who he’s fallen out of touch with. That’s when he finds out that Big Jack’s was murdered violently on their old court during a riot.”  When asked how long the series would run, Azzarello was philosophical. “As long as the checks clear,” he said. “I can stretch a story about a monkey making a bowel movement out to seven issues if I have to. The trick is getting me a really talented foreign artist who I can exploit like nobody’s business.”

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE by Warren Ellis: Speaking from a mobile phone, Ellis’s conversation was very brief, ending sooner than expected. “It’s a twelve issue miniseries called Strawberry Shortcake: Bitter Fruit, and it has to deal with family, and the ramifications of murder. Strawberry Shortcake finds out that she has a long-lost sister, Blood Oranges, who is modern-day Spirit of Murder. In trying to unravel the mystery of her sister, Strawberry Shortcake must look under the veneer of creamy familial frosting and find the decadent rotting pastry that’s beneath. It’s a gothic, to be illustrated by Carla Speed McNeil, and deals with the grottier side of incest and domestic abuse.”  When asked if the title would carry a mature reader’s title, Ellis responded, “No. It’s an all-ages book. My daughter is going to be reading this.”  When asked if the subject matter didn’t seem a little intense for younger readers, Ellis responded, “No. It’s all in how you handle it. We’ve come up with a very tasteful way to handle horrific inbred orgies and decadent incestuous cooking sessions.”  When asked what that way might be, Ellis said, “That’s it, shiteyes. I’m closing the thread.”  When asked what this meant, there was a long pause before Ellis said, “kkkkkk…going through a tunnel…ssshshshshshsh… kkkkkk… going through a tunnel…” and then hung up.

Other forthcoming projects include shorter miniseries, some of which are for licensed projects that already have found homes at other comic publishers. “We found that in many cases, the contracts weren’t exclusive,” Preakness announced, “and that allowed us to get creators on properties you wouldn’t otherwise expect. These will be part of Shortpack line of Endcap comics. Very high profile miniseries that won’t be reprinted. Something to get the people in the stores every new comics day.”  A short list of titles, with comments by the creators were circulated. They include Action Man by Mark Millar (“this man’s an unstoppable sex machine!”) J. Michael Straczynski’s Major Matt Mason (“he’s an astronaut who’s a junkie because of an accident on the dark side of the moon caused by spiders from mars that creates alternate personalities for him, including a thin white duke who wishes to ascend a stairway to heaven.”), Brian Bendis’s Stretch Armstrong (“All the jokes you’ve wanted to see in Fantastic Four but couldn’t.”) and Garth Ennis’s G.I. Joe (“my first story is tentatively titled ‘Cobra Commander Smokes Some Cock.’”). There are also plans for a twelve-issue Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven miniseries, to be written by Joe Casey and illustrated by Ashley Wood.

Retailers, members of the media, or owners of toy licenses interested in these and other projects from Endcap Comics are encouraged to contact Kevin Preakness directly at (323) 555-1221, or visit the company’s website at www.endcapcomics.com.