I ask you, is there a better time of year to be a fanboy than July, when the summer sun drives San Francisco weather up into the high 60s, and the multiplexes are jammed with lousy summer films that made 70% of their box office in the first weekend then continue to hang about like flies about a dead body, and the comic stores fill, like the banks of the Nile, with a startling fecundity? Indy cartoonists churning out their annual issue, alternative publishers pushing seven or eight titles in the course of two months, mainstream painted one-shots and long-promised merchandising swag: July and August are the least cruel months, if you ask me, because it's the season of San Diego--where the entire comics industry gathers in one easy-to bomb place. (This chilling fact is in the fact the subject of my latest screenplay, a Die-Hard-at-a-Comicon action flick tentatively titled Sudden Cancellation Due to Low Sales and A Small Thermonuclear Device, and which is currently being passed around Hollywood as the likely action-adventure debut of Danny Devito).

For those of you who were unable to attend this year, I thought I would pass along this year's highlights, as culled from the Internet, personal sources and my Amazing Spider-Man ouija board (which half the time I can only get to say "thwipp"). Because I went to great lengths to get secondary confirmation for these highlights, I feel confident in reporting them even though I didn't actually attend (because—and I know it sounds morbid—if that bomb goes off, hey, I could inherit Brian Bendis’s career.

Anyway, a few dazzling threads from the rich tapestry of this year’s San Diego Comicon:

• Warren Ellis’s webtoon, Dangerous Pity, premiered at San Diego Comicon, drawing appreciative gasps, scattered applause and a standing ovation at the conclusion of the first 4 minute episode. Episode 2 of the weekly show is currently scheduled for July of 2004.
• In a "state-of-the-union" address, Frank Miller denounced the commodification of comics as embodied by what he termed "The Great Satan," Wizard Magazine. Miller then ripped up a copy of Wizard onstage, hurling it into a trashcan. (Wizard’s management later issued a rebuttal denying such venal motives and proclaimed its enduring love for comics as an artform. It then went on to auction the torn-up copy of Wizard as an "ultra-crinkled variant, hand-mangled by hot creator Frank Miller" on its website, with a requested starting bid of eleventy bajillion dollars). Miller also went on to decry creators whose only interest in comics is as an entryway to Hollywood. "If there’s anything that’s ruining comics," Miller said, puffing enthusiastically on a cigarette as he spoke, "It’s this eager lemming-like rush for the easy money and instant validation offered by Hollywood, resulting in dashed-off, slipshod comics that are little more than fancy movie treatments underwritten by comic publishers and fans." Miller fixed the audience with an angry eagle-like stare. "Take it from me: Hollywood is a town of whores and assholes interested only in watering down original ideas in order to produce marketable pap." Miller, exiting the stage to a standing ovation, then dashed off to his meeting with director Darren Aronofsky, with whom he’s collaborating on the next Batman movie.
• San Diego perennial Lou Ferrigno had a booth at San Diego again--this time promoting a CD where he croons classic standards, Hulking Out To The Oldies. "Although it has allowed my wife and I to live quite comfortably on a large ranch in Santa Barbara," Ferrigno said, "And afford our hefty monthly tab for dietary supplements, it frustrates me terribly that people still only see me as The Incredible Hulk." To express his frustration, Ferrigno burst through a wall, turned over a car and ran off in slow motion to discordant piano music.
• A presentation for Enterprise, the new Star Trek show was heavily attended, despite a disappointing lack of slideshows set to dramatic music. Producer Rick Berman and star Scott Bakula made a presentation and answered questions. Among other things, they announced a female Vulcan as first officer. Other members of the crew will include a testy Scottish engineer, a mop-topped Russian ensign and a chimpanzee security officer "who’s going to be a bit of a loose cannon," according to Bakula. Berman said one of the advantages of setting the show 150 years before the events of original series "is capturing a feeling of surprise and newness that many feel has been missing from Trek for a while now." Berman also said another advantage was getting to choose between having the Federation encounter either Klingons or The Borg "for the very first time" for network sweep events. "Or, heck, maybe even both," Berman said expansively. "That’s how surprising and new this is gonna feel!"
• In a moving address at Pro-Con, Marvel Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada pinpointed the current problems of the industry to following old publishing paradigms and poor self-esteem. "Live your dream," Quesada exhorted, "Not your history!" Sadly, Quesada did not elaborate on what the self-esteem of the sports card industry, for example, was at the time of its collapse.
• A multimedia highlight? The Planet of the Apes presentation which consisted of two trailers each shown twice (once in Greek) a whole six days before the film's release. The event attracted 7,000 people, most of whom waited for over three hours to get into the packed auditorium. An official Twentieth Century Fox projectionist was on hand to ignore questions and hand out buttons.
• And, of course, it wouldn’t be San Diego without Stan Lee. "The Man" himself was on hand at both DC’s booth and at Image’s, where Stan told an excited audience he would be heading up Excelsior! Comics, a new line featuring "the hippest and hottest young artists and ol’ solemn Stan’s supernal subreption of the storytelling spirit!" Excelsior! Comics will be launching a line based on the currently popular trend of Hong Kong-influenced action movies. "Of course," Mr. Lee added with a wink, "I’ve put my own special twist on the material." The first book in the line, according to Lee, will be called "Crouching Vodka, Hidden Gimlet."
• D.C.'s preview was held at a nearby T.G.I. Friday's, where Mike Carlin announced that, based on the success of The Joker: Last Laugh and Our Worlds at War, a new crossover event was announced entitled Penguin: The Fatal Cummerbund which will cross-over into every single book for two months. The storyline has Arthur Cobblepot trading an umbrella to Darkseid (who believes it to be a crucial piece of the Anti-Life Equation) in exchange for the throne of Apokolips and the power of the Omega Beams. "The Penguin then goes on to clean the map with everyone in the DC Universe who ever even thought they could kick his ass," Carlin said from his seat at the main bar. "Which means, of course, everyone in the DC Universe." Carlin then rang a bell mounted on the side of the bar and did a shot. When the audience seemed more or less nonplussed, Carlin announced that every cover in the event would be "an Alex Ross cover." Later, when pressed for details, Carlin admitted that he meant that every cover would be done by the regular artists, but would be of Alex Ross. "Heh, heh," Carlin added.
• Jackie Chan made a personal appearance at this year’s Comicon to promote his upcoming movie Rush Hour 2 and meet his fans. At a panel, Chan was asked why he continued to make movies in Hollywood despite the sacrifices in personal expression and control. "Hong Kong moviegoers," Chan said, "only happy to see old Jackie. American moviegoers happy to see new Jackie, different Jackie." When pointed out that Chan’s acting approach in his American movies was not appreciably different from his Hong Kong movies, Chan clarified. "Doing own stunts and taking horse tranquilizers to sleep without pain: Old Jackie. Stunt doubles, cut-away reaction shots and judicious digital editing: new Jackie."
• Finally, a hearty round of congratulations goes out to our very own Brian Hibbs who, for the second consecutive year, captured the coveted San Diego "Filk of Magnesia" trophy. This year, the judges unanimously voted Hibbs the winner with his retelling of Amok Time set to the classic "When Johnny Comes Marching Home." Holding his trophy aloft triumphantly as he entered the store, Hibbs announced, "San Diego: I go for the con, I stay for the filking!