SECRETARY:

Mr. Isquit, I’m patching Paul Levitz from DC Comics through now for the Batman/Superman conference call.

ISQUIT:

Great, great! Paul, so glad you could make it!

ME:

Er, yes.  I, Paul Levitz from DC Comics, am also glad I could make it.

ISQUIT:

Great, great!  I hadn’t told Melanie to call you about this conference call, but I guess she did, anyway!  More the merrier, I always say.

ME:

Yes.  Uhh…I, Paul Levitz from DC Comics, always say this, also.

ISQUIT:

Listen, Paul, thanks again for that Comet The Superhorse plushy.  You were damn right.  That thing is the sexiest bitch I’ve ridden since my third wife!  And she was on Baywatch!

ME:

Yes…Comet The Superhorse…so soft…

ISQUIT:

Paul, Wolfgang Petersen is here, calling from Burbank.  Have you guys met?

PETERSEN:

I don’t believe it to be so.  Good to “meet” you, Mr. Levitz.

ISQUIT:

Please, call him Paul.  Also, we’ve got Andy Walker as our top writing talent, he called in just a minute before you, and was thrilling us—I mean, really thrilling us—with some of his ideas.

WALKER:

Thanks, Campbell.  I—

ISQUIT:

I’m not finished, Andy.  We’re also expecting a few other people to call in—this project has excited everyone with its corporate synergy.  But, believe me, Paul, even though I didn’t think to call you, I can’t imagine this going forward without you.

PETERSEN:

Absolutely, Paul.  If I’m understanding Campbell correctly, you are some sort of horse breeder, yes?

ME:

Ummm…

ISQUIT:

No, no, Wolfgang.  Paul is the “publisher” of DC Comics.

PETERSEN:

Oh, my mistake.  Quite sorry.

ISQUIT:

So, as we were saying, Andy’s got some top notch ideas here which have really got us all very excited.  Very hot and bothered.  Really great stuff.

[Pause]

WALKER:

Thanks, Campbell.  I—

ISQUIT:

Andy, I’m still talking here.  Wow.  You hold their hand through the pitch, and then once they’re signed you just can’t shut them up, right, Paul?

ME:

Well…

ISQUIT:

Damn straight.  So, in the final fight scene, has Batman meeting Superman at this place, “Crime Alley,” which is what Andy has named the place where Batman’s parents get shot…

PETERSEN:

Could we make it a carnival?

ISQUIT:

A carnival?

PETERSEN:

Ja, it’s much more cinematic than a regular alley.  It’s an abandoned carnival that has been out of business since Batman’s parents got shot by The Joker…

ME:

Um…

PETERSEN:

Do not worry, Paul, I know what you’re going to say: The Joker didn’t shoot them at a carnival, but it would be much more fitting, you think?  Plus, I have a brilliant homage planned from Lady From Shanghai.  Or maybe The Third Man.  Brilliant.

ISQUIT:

An abandoned carnival, huh?  I’m loving the visuals here, Wolfgang.  Andy, whattya think?

WALKER:

I’ll be doing the rewrite?

ISQUIT:

I can’t imagine it without you, Andy.

WALKER:

It sounds great.

PETERSEN:

And maybe…maybe…there’s a spooky ghost who is said to haunt the carnival grounds.

ISQUIT:

Wolfgang, rein it in here, baby.  Superman.  Batman.  Crime alley.  Stay with us.  Jeezis, the talent, right, Paul?  I heard you had to cockblock Neil Gaiman like that all the time, right?

ME:

Wow. Um…I, Paul Levitz, from DC Comics, don’t quite know what to say…

SECRETARY:

Mr. Isquit, Charles Roven wishes to be patched in to your conference call.

ISQUIT:

Charlie Roven?  Holy crap!  Put him right through!

ROVEN:

Hello?

ISQUIT:

Charlie, you sonuvabitch!  Nice work with Scooby-Doo, m’man!  You pulled that one out of the Scooby-dumper!

ROVEN:

We really had to thank the quality talent for that one, Stu.

[Both men laugh appreciatively at this.]

ISQUIT:

Ho, ho, Charlie, you are a crazy man…

ROVEN:

Listen, Stu, I was out at Ted Turner’s ranch golfing with the man, and he said I should get in on this call of yours.

ISQUIT:

Oh, yeah?

ROVEN:

You know Ted…always chasing that synergy…

ISQUIT:

Yuh-huh…

ROVEN

And I was telling him how we have to get Scooby Two, as we’re calling it, on the fasttrack but also give it something to distinguish it from the original.

ISQUIT:

Right, right…

ROVEN:

So we were thinking:  Batman vs. Superman.  Vs. Scooby Doo.

[Pause]

ISQUIT:

I am so in love with you right now!

ROVEN:

Yeah?

ISQUIT:

I’ve been ‘plexing for days now on how to get the five to twelves in the door for this movie!

ROVEN:

They are a force to be reckoned with, Stu.

ISQUIT:

Charlie, they are the force.  To be reckoned with.  The force.  And what’s perfect is how smoothly this is going to work into what I, Wolfgang, Andy and Paul Levitz from DC were just talking about.

ROVEN:

Yeah?

ISQUIT:

Check this.  Superman and Batman are having their final showdown at the abandoned carnival where Batman’s parents were shot by the Joker, you remember?

ROVEN:

Oh, yes…right…Burton…

ISQUIT:

Absolutely.  And it turns out there’s a spooky ghost who is said to haunt the carnival grounds!  Is that perfect or what?

ROVEN:

So the Scooby gang is there investigating…

ISQUIT:

You’ve got it!

ROVEN:

Stu, my God.  This was made to be!  Oh!  And you know what I’m seeing?  At the end of the movie, The Joker’s tied up and being taken away by the police and Freddie comes up on pulls on his face…

ISQUIT:

And it’s Old Man Smithers?

ROVEN:

Do you love it?

ISQUIT:

We all love it!  Right, Wolfgang?

PETERSEN:

It is perfection.

ISQUIT:

Right, Andy?

WALKER:

I can’t wait to get that rewrite for you!

ISQUIT:

Right, Paul?

ME:

[choking]

ROVEN:

Is Paul okay?

ISQUIT:

He’s great.  It’s the casting I’m worried about.

PETERSEN:

Yes. We are not going to go with typical action stars, but great actors who will do an action-oriented part. Like Matt Damon.

WALKER:

Or Colin Farrell.

ISQUIT:

I was thinking Keanu and Vin Diesel.

PETERSEN:

Perfect.

ISQUIT:

No, no, screw it.  Vin Diesel wants too much money.  This is a quality project.  Actors who can really act.  And who are cheap.  This project sells itself.

PETERSEN:

Yes, like Colin Farrell.

WALKER:

Or Christian Bale.  He’d be terrific.

ROVEN:

Or Little Bow Wow.  Stu, what about Little Bow Wow?

ISQUIT:

I think we’ve got Scooby and Shaggy, we don’t need Little Bow Wow.  Unless he’s cheap.  Is he cheap?

ROVEN:

How could he pass this up?

ISQUIT:

You never know, Charlie.  Those rappers.  They’re always trying to “keep it real.”  How about Josh Harnett?  As Batman? He broods well.

PETERSEN:

Perfect.

ISQUIT:

Yeah, and as Superman, I’m thinking…

WALKER:

Jude Law.

ISQUIT:

George Clooney.

[Pause]

PETERSEN:

Perfect.

SECRETARY:

Mr. Isquit, Stan Lee is on the line.  He wishes to join the conference call.

ISQUIT:

Stan Lee?

SECRETARY:

He said Avi Arad told him to call.

ISQUIT:

Christ.  Okay, then.  Put him through

LEE:

Excelsior, True Believer!  Excuse the extreme exhibition of slightly unsibilant static—I’m cannily calling from my carphone and it’s torturously taking a toll on my talking.

ISQUIT:

It sounds more like you’re calling from the floor of a bar, Stan, and the payphone’s chord doesn’t quite reach so there’s noise on the line…

LEE:

That’s the craziest…what’s that?…I said, the fellow at the other table is paying.  He agreed to buy me these for the rights to Moon Knight.

ISQUIT:

Stan?

LEE:

My apologies, effendi—just had to, um, clear a matter with the toll attendant.  So I wanted to let you know that I’ve already completed my treatment and I’ll be faxing it to your office shortly.

ISQUIT:

Your treatment?

LEE:

Just Imagine Stan Lee Created Batman Vs. Superman!  If I may humbly say so myself, true believers, it’s a star-spanning, soul-shattering saga that we humbly like to refer to as “epic!”

ISQUIT:

Stan…

LEE:

Say no more, Stalwart Stu.  Little need for you to beg, o boisterous one.  Who says this isn’t the Leonine Lee Era for Big-Budget blockbusters?

ISQUIT:

Stan…

LEE:

Part of why you’re so lucky, bunky, is sly Stan has thrown more twists into this screenplay than the Viewmaster version of the Crying Game!  Now, most people know Batman and Superman as orphans marred by tragedy and overcoming adversity to become protectors of the people.  My Batman and Superman are a wrestler and a greedy space cop!  Everything you know is wrong!  Worlds will live!  Worlds will die!

ISQUIT:

Stan…

LEE:

Excelsior!

ISQUIT:

Stan, Avi Arad didn’t really tell you to call, did he?

LEE:

Well…not in so many words, True Believer!

ISQUIT:

Yes, didn’t he tell you never to call me again, after you sold me the rights to Spider-Man Vs. Superman for two Vodka Gimlets and half a Viagra?

LEE:

That Viagra wasn’t for me, True Believer!  Stan Lee’s never needed any help in his life!

ISQUIT:

Stan, that’s not the point.  The point, Stan…

LEE:

And Lo, There Shall Come…A Boner!

ISQUIT:

The point, Stan, is if you burned me on that deal, why would I want to do business with you again?

OPERATOR:

Thirty-five cents, please.  Please deposit thirty-five cents for the next three minutes.

LEE:

Heh, heh.  Must have a crossed line, o stalwart ones.  Just a minute!

OPERATOR:

Thirty-five cents, please.  Please deposit thirty-five cents for the next three minutes.

LEE:

[sotto voice]:  Ix-nay on the arges-chay, ue-tray eliever-bay!  Remember the deal I cut you?  I get to make a call, and you get the film and television rights to both Ant-Man and The Wasp!

OPERATOR:

Thirty-five cents, please.  Please deposit thirty-five cents for the next three minutes.

LEE:

Heh, heh, Stu, I’m having a little trouble with the cell phone.  You know how that can be, bunky.  I’m going through—a tunnel!  Yes.  Verily.  A tunnel.

ISQUIT:

Goodbye, Stan!

LEE:

Excel—[line goes dead]

ISQUIT:

Where was I?

PETERSEN:

George Clooney?

ISQUIT:

No, no, too expensive.  I’m thinking those American Pie kids.  You know, “Truth, Justice and The American…Pie.”  Will look great on all the news announcements.  We gotta keep the synergy rolling. 

Guys, listen, it’s about time for my rhubarb colonic.  I’ll have my people call your people for the next one.  We’ll have it nailed down, the casting, then.  Paul, thanks for sitting in on this.  You were, if I may be candid, invaluable.

PETERSEN:

Indeed.  And I would be very much interested in this “plushy” to which Stuart refers…

ISQUIT:

Okay, then.  Remember, we’re trying to keep this legit.  Don’t get cheesy on me now, people.  I can’t tell you how important it is that we respect this project…we have a legacy to live up to, a vibrant history of 200 million-plus grosses.  That’s what Batman and Superman are all about, and let’s not lose track of that vision.

All right then?  Ciao!