Dear Mr. Lester:

Thank you for your submission to Dark Horse Comics. We are sorry to inform you that we are not accepting submissions at this time from new writers. In fact, we make it a point not to read such submissions to avoid legal entanglements if we publish something in the future you feel resembles your submissions. However, since your submission was written with time-delayed ink so as to appear on the surface of the unopened envelope after a period of time, obviously we had little choice but to see certain parts of your submission. Nonetheless, I assure you that any Lone Wolf and Cub vs. Predator miniseries was in development long before your proposal. Likewise, Planet of the Apes vs. Aliens. Also, your Buffy vs. Darth Maul idea is something that trained writers and editors have been developing for some time now. Finally, although I assure you that your Angel and Akira vs. Aliens on the Planet of The Apes and only Usagi Yojimbo and a Terminator who looks like Betty Page can save them is an idea I personally find laughably absurd, Ron Marz submitted a similar idea months before your envelope ever crossed our desk. We would normally wish you the best of luck, but your invisible ink joke almost cost us a job. Therefore, kindly rot in hell.

Sincerely,

Chris D’Artagnan, Submissions Editor, Dark Horse Comics

*****

Dear Mr. Lester:

Thank you for your recent interest in Chaos! Comics. Although we are always on the lookout for new talent, I’m afraid your recent submissions are unsuitable for our needs at this time. Your spelling, grammar and sentence structure are far more advanced than most blind submissions we receive, but sadly we feel you miss the fine line our titles walk. A proposed series about a female private eye called Booby McJugJug, for example, is not the sort of subtly sophisticated storytelling we prefer here at Chaos!, nor is your other idea, a supervillainess called Double-D Stroyer, exactly what we shoot for either. We prefer a certain nuance in our titles and our writing so, for example, we might have a thief character called Larceny or a villainess named Recline—a type of gentle pun one might find suggestive perhaps but never salacious. That we leave to our artists who go on to draw, as you put it, "boombahs people might accidentally step on if they didn’t perfectly defy gravity." Although the poor grammar of that sentence confuses whether it is the people or the boombahs that are defying gravity, you certainly have an acute understanding of the Chaos! house style.

Thank you again for your submission. I think if you study our comics a little more closely (and I’m actually not saying that as an onanistic euphemism for a change), you’ll get the hang of the careful blend of words and pictures we encourage here at Chaos! Please feel free to submit again in the future when you think you have the hang of it, and thanks for thinking of us.

Sincerely,

Lacey Frillyware, Chaos! Comics

*****

Dear Mr. Lester:

This is in regards to your submission to Marvel Comics. Normally, we have a form letter that we send out, a standard rejection note, but there were enough errors of various kinds that we thought it would be in your best interest to respond to them personally.

First, you are correct in your assumption that we are not accepting unsolicited submissions from unknown writers at this point. However, you are not correct in assuming you are therefore justified in putting Garth Ennis’ name and address in the return address field, dipping the ends of the envelope in Guinness and addressing the whole thing to ‘That Bastard Stuart Moore.’ Mr. Moore was far from amused by your little charade and, contrary to your plans, figured out the Punisher’s Crime Family Barbecue one-shot was not an actual Ennis idea before he had finished more than three-quarters of it.

Also, I’m not sure where you heard this unfounded rumor, but Marvel Comics was not purchased by VH1 as you insist throughout your letter. Accordingly, we have little use for your idea What if David Jones Didn’t Change His Name to David Bowie but Instead Joined the Monkees? and its companion, What If David Jones From the Monkees Didn’t Join the Monkees But Instead Embarked on a Glam Rock Career and Changed His Name to David Bowie? are of little use to us. Likewise, Dazzler: Behind the Poorly Drawn Music. Also, What If Morrisey Joined Rage Against the Machine? means little or nothing to me or, I would expect, anyone else.

You are, however, correct that Marvel is launching a line of comics for Mature readers, but this is not, as you suggest, a "vehicle for smut and salaciousness." Therefore, not only can you consider your rather detailed submissions for Wolverine’s Wicked Gang-Bang, Thwip! The Real Adventures of Webhead, Bill Jemas’ Amateur Team-Up, Giant-Size Man-Thing, Where Monsters Dwell, Ghost Rider, Marvel Two-In-One, Sex Machine Man, Master of Bung Fu and Skull the Layer not only rejected, but also slanderous and likely illegal under current postal law.

In short, never, ever contact us again; we have absolutely no interest in working with you—in fact, make that a genuine antipathy towards you and your endeavors—unless, of course, you make a name working for Vertigo or Image, in which case we’ll contact you eagerly.

Sincerely,

Tom Bitterhaus, Submissions, Marvel Comics.

*****

Dear Mr. Lester:

I write and draw all the stories in Eightball myself, and so do not accept stories from other writers. You claim to be a big fan of the book; I thought this would be obvious to even the most casual reader. Although it makes your statement to "get rid of that hack Clowes" because "he makes everyone look all wussy" merely ignorant and not deliberately offensive, it doesn’t reflect well on you. Also, I’m already working on a story about a tennis-playing dolphin with a drug problem and an obsession with women’s calves.

Daniel Clowes.

*****

Dear Mr. Lester:

Thank you for clarification of your previous submission, "Just Imagine Jeff Lester Created Wonder Woman with No Pants." However, we don’t think the fact that it’s you, not Wonder Woman, who we are supposed to imagine without pants makes the idea in any way more sellable. We still feel this idea is unsuitable for us at this time.

Additionally, your "Batman of Three Worlds" Elseworlds idea in which a Batman who looks like Michael Keaton thumps the hell out of a Batman who looks like Val Kilmer and a Batman who looks like George Clooney is already in development by Ed Brubaker who has a unique identity for the Joker (Adam West!).

Finally, we found your public safety comic where Aquaman uses his hook to show what happens to kids who pee in public swimming pools to be a little too intense for the average reader. I will, however, pass it along to our Vertigo editor; perhaps a Sea Devils miniseries can be crafted from it.

Sincerely,

Someone Far Too Kind at DC Comics

*****

Dear Mr. Lester:

I don’t think you understand. I write and draw all the stories in Sin City myself, and so would have no need of scripts written by other writers. That having been said, your story G-String Jesus was exactly the sort of edgy sophisticated stories I like to tell in my book. Enclosed find two packs of smokes and a bottle of Night Train as payment. If you tell anyone, I will deny it and also make sure someone beats the crap out of you. I can do it, too.

Thanks again!

Frank Miller

*****

Yo, Jeff!

I dunno, man, the whole idea of re-naming the store "The Jeff Lester Experience" strikes me as a bit wrong. Possibly illegal, even.

Along the same lines, you really need to stop calling me at 3 in the morning with your ideas for giant foam cut-outs of your head saying things like "Finder is Lesterrific!" It’s not I don’t think that is a great comic (I do!) but the idea is to sell more copies—not to send the customers screaming.

Plus, Tzipi is getting a little miffed at being woken up by your early-morning warm-Safeway-Black-Cherry-soda binges.

One more thing: I could do without the .JPGs you keep emailing of you acting out that scene from Risky Business where Tom Cruise dances around in his underwear. It’s starting to scare me now.

Thanks,

Brian