"It was sort of an IQ test for retailers."

This test is a timed test. When you are told to do so, pick up your Number 2 pencils and begin answering the questions until either you have answered all questions or until time is up. To answer a question, fill in the letter next to the response that most closely provides a correct response. Do your best to answer each question, and do not answer each question more than once. You are not allowed to "ret-con" your answers. Time is up when either Marvel Comics or the Comics Industry collapses. Pick up your pencils and begin.

• The Amazing Spider-Man is:

1. A comic published by Marvel Comics;
2. A superhero with several comics published by Marvel Comics;
3. A valuable licensing property with a high-recognition factor;
4. Not to be trusted, according to J. Jonah Jameson’s latest editorial;
5. All of the above;
6. None of the above.

• If your average AOL promotion disc adds 30 cents to shipping for every ten discs, and you are packing no more than one disc per X-Men and Spider-Man comic book, and the average comic retailer orders approximately 50 X-Men comic books and 40 Spider-Man comic books, the average additional cost for shipping will be:

1. $27.00;
2. $2.70;
3. $1.20;
4. Who cares? The retailers have to the pay the difference, not us.

• If The Hulk and Thor get into a fight:

1. Thor will win because he’s a Norse God;
2. The Hulk will win because the madder he gets, the stronger he gets;
3. Neither will win because the writer will make sure the fight doesn’t finish;
4. Whichever player holding the best Marvel OverPower card will win;
5. Bill Jemas will win because Bill Jemas gets paid no matter what happens.

• The Number 2 pencil you are using to take this test is nearly valueless because:

1. It was not crafted by top talent such as Brian Bendis;
2. Spider-Man, The X-Men, Daredevil or The Punisher appear nowhere on the pencil;
3. The pencil company made too many and so there is no buzz about the pencil;
4. All of the above.

• Stan Lee is:

1. A traitor;
2. The Creator of Marvel Comics and an inspiration who’s welcome in the offices any time;
3. Probably relieved he doesn’t have to do that Backstreet Boys web-comic now;
4. The Forrest Gump of comics.

• Jack Kirby is:

1. A name that sounds vaguely familiar;
2. That guy who worked in accounting last year or something, right?;
3. Um, hey, look at that cool billboard over there!;
4. Given some lip service to appease the fans, but not enough to provide his kin with any firepower should they try to claim ownership of the characters he created.

• Marvel Comics knows:

1. How to do comics right;
2. How to treat retailers wrong;
3. That it better pull this one off;
4. The comics industry is dependent on it, therefore Marvel Comics can do what it wants.

• "You can count the digits in [retailers’] IQ based on their enthusiastic response to the no-overprint." This means:

1. The more enthusiastic the response, the more digits in the retailer’s IQ;
2. The more enthusiastic the response, the fewer digits in the retailer’s IQ;
3. Bill Jemas should hire a speechwriter;
4. Either a or b could be correct, and for all we know, this was written by a speechwriter.

• Prior to becoming President of Publishing and New Media for Marvel Enterprises, Inc., Bill Jemas was the executive Vice-President for MSG Sports, managing more than 40 sporting events that took place at Madison Square Garden. Earlier in his career, he was Vice-President, business development and business affairs for the NBA. This means that:

1. Bill Jemas knows how to market to drunken sports fans;
2. Bill Jemas thinks that comic readers and retailers are drunken sports fans;
3. The more closely comics readers and retailers act like drunken sports fans, the more comfortable Bill Jemas feels;
4. The writer of this test obviously thinks that only by being drunk can one enjoy watching sports;
5. That Bill Jemas knows more about how to promote an illegal cockfight than how to sell a comic book.

• This test picks on Bill Jemas somewhat excessively because:

1. This test didn’t start it, Bill Jemas started it!;
2. Bill Jemas is a Harvard man and not a "Yalie;"
3. Bill Jemas looks like the type of guy in "Animal House" who John Belushi would do something obnoxious to;
4. Bill Jemas pretends to invite open discourse with comics retailers and press, but will not only ignore comments that don’t agree with his but will then lash out at those who disagree when he feels overwhelmed and attacked;
5. Bill Jemas, presumably, got and used some pretty good seats at some boxing matches that this test, although not much of a fan of most sporting events, probably would’ve been pretty thrilled to sit in, and, further, probably got to drink the beer for free at said boxing matches where, between the seats and the beer, this test would probably have had to spend the equivalent of two or three month’s rent; and in addition, has probably done, or had the opportunity to do, other presumably cool things such as attend the premiere of the X-Men movie, and then partied with the stars of said movie afterwards, and perhaps even got a chance to snort a line of cocaine off Halle Berry’s intoxicated nipples, which is something Jack Kirby never had, nor will ever have, the opportunity to do, to say nothing of this test, and to say nothing of the things that Bill Jemas will still get to do, such as attend the premiere of the Spider-Man movie, and then have the opportunity to party with the stars of said movie afterwards, and perhaps even have a chance to do a jello shot from the pouting nether lips of Kirsten Dunst’s vulva; while, meanwhile--comments about Elektra aside--probably knowing very little about the vast tapestry and potential of the characters of the Marvel universe, apart from a potential that can be measured in a monetary sense; maybe even liking the characters but ultimately, at the end of a long and presumably profitable career, not thinking any more about them than, say, some slugger whose rookie card increased in value over 50,000%, and having a pretty decent retirement fund that was built mostly off the sweat of laboring artists and writers such as Jack Kirby who made a moderate living at best and still receive only the merest of lip treatments from Marvel and I’m sorry, man, but that’s wrong, just plain wrong.