Warning: in this article, I'm kinda like the guy who takes great lengths to explain what a feminist he is, how in touch he is with women's issues, and then rubs his hands together and says, "Okay, so here's the chicks I want to see naked."

You see, I'm writing about dream teams.  Who would I have working on what books for my ultimate fanboy thrills?  Well, see, my problem with dream teams are severalfold.  For one thing, I've read too many articles of creators complaining about how they become associated with one book that they never want to do again, or how they liked Chris Claremont until they actually worked with Chris Claremont, etc., etc.  By assigning my dream team, I kind of feel like those guys that made Kirk kiss Uhura and have that little midget run around in a toga if you know what I mean (and God help you if you do).  For another, one person's dream team is another person's nightmare commando squad.  Somebody, somewhere, wants Sal Buscema to draw everything.  Finally, I can't help but feel like I'm indulging the whole plantation business side of comics--let's see, what cool guys do I want to do their best work for someone else who owns the property, thus kind of ripping the cool guys off in the long run--rather than acknowledging that whole open world of indy and alternative comics that I love.

So just to mix things up a little bit, I'm going to give you a list of my best and worst dream teams, and you can decide for yourselves which is which.

Milo Manara draws Betty and Veronica: Wouldn't this be great?  Typical story:  Betty and Veronica could go out shopping, they end up ripping the little miniskirts they're trying on, so the storekeeper spanks them.  On the way, they end up knocking over some garbage cans in Veronica's driveway, so Veronica's dad spanks them.  Then, because they're too sore to sit down, they can't work on their homework, so they go to school the next day and Mr. Weatherbee spanks them.  Story title: Spanks for the Memories.  Oh, sure, this might get old after, say, 700 issues or so, but what I can deal with that.

Jim Woodring writes and draws Captain Marvel: Shazam!  The only person who can do straight faced dreamlike absurdity better than C.C. Beck is Jim Woodring.  Typical story:  Captain Marvel, the big red cheese, meets his arch foe who is, literally, a big red cheese.

Larry Young writes Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Dark Horse: Larry's got this good ear for dialogue, and so does the Buffy TV show.  Larry likes comic books and big budget movie plots, and so does Buffy the TV show.  Larry likes butt kicking and witty repartee, and so does Buffy.  Of course, Larry hates Buffy, but hey, if I'm going to feel like those dudes that made Kirk and Uhura make out, I might as well enjoy it.  Typical story: Hal 9000 locks Buffy out of the ship and she spins off helplessly into the soundless void of space.

Sarah Dyer writes and Jaime Hernandez draws Wonder Woman: Sarah edits Action Girl, likes girls who have adventures, and brilliantly does fun comic books.  Jaime draws women in ways that are simultaneously sypmathetic and salacious (I would love for him to draw Etta Candy. Woo woo!)  Typical story: Whatever else would happen, there would at least be a page where Wonder Woman tries on new costumes submitted by readers and hasn't it been too long since we've had that?

Bil Keane draws an issue of Preacher: This sure would be interesting, wouldn't it?  I'd really like to see the little black lines behind Jesse as he walks around the U.S.  And Bil could really put the right spin on Jesse's cute imaginary friend, John Wayne.  Typical story: Cassidy teaches Jesse a valuable lesson about sharing.  (For extra credit, imagine Garth Ennis writing Family Circus for a year.  Chills the blood, doesn't it?)

James Kolchaka writes and draws Kamandi: sure, sure.  Who hasn't looked at Kolchaka's work of talking cats and sentimental robots and thought "Kirby's Kamandi"?  But I had to mention it because it was so damn obvious.  Typical story: The wolf-headed warriors of Washington are on a rampage!  Plus, Kamandi and Robot Boy eat some ice cream.

Frank Miller writes and draws a Jack Chick tract: This is about how subtle Miller has seemed to me lately.  I think it would be a perfect match.  Typical story: "And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."  John 11:26 (but probably with some strippers in bondage wear thrown in).

Alan Moore writes Uncle Scrooge: Too bad that Uncle Scrooge is Scottish and not Irish.  It blows the killer James Joyce parody that I was planning on putting in this space.  Moore could still do a great Uncle Scrooge story, I think.  He and Barks seem to have a similarly ordered view of the creative process.  Typical story: What do you need, a road map?  Alan Moore!  Uncle Scrooge!  James Joyce, if Scrooge had been Irish, not Scottish!

Mike Mignola does an issue of X-Files: Remember when the X-Files used to be scary and creepy and Scully and Mulder ran around in the dark with flashlights?  Mignola could do that so well, he's probably bored by the idea.  Well too bad, Mike!  If you're not careful, I'll make you run around in a toga like the dwarf!  Typical story: "Surely, Mulder, you don't believe that this man was killed by a church gargoyle?"  "Is that so hard to believe, Scully, considering everything that you've seen with your own eyes?  Ancient monastic texts refer to the gargoyles as protectors of the yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah."

Alex Ross draws the comic book adaptation of Batman & Robin: Finally, George Clooney dressed up like Batman looks like George Clooney dressed up as Batman!  I've always disliked the comic book adaptation of movies based on comic books concept, mainly because comic books always roll over and draw the characters like the way they look in movies, not how they look in the comic books.  Come on, comic book publishers, show a little backbone, why don't ya?   Or at least pay Ross seventy-two squijillion dollars to do stuff like this so it at least looks right.

Warren Ellis writes L'il Hotstuff: What Warren Ellis could do with a devil in diapers boggles my mind.  Typical story: Local obscenity laws prevent me from repeating it here.  Sorry.