Okay. I can understand the Internet. That makes sense; after all, the Internet is 90% sizzle, 10% steak. And if there’s been one man who’s mastered selling the sizzle, it’s Stan Lee. It’s actually been somehow consoling, seeing Stan interviewed and hyped and spread about by the mainstream press like so much cranberry mustard. I’ve taken solace in this because now, when I look back on my twisted youth, when I actually thought that Stan Lee was some sort of creative genius rather than a moderately talented writer who was lucky enough to find a medium capable of sustaining his gifts for melodrama and hyperbole, I’m no longer deeply embarrassed. No, now when I look back at that time, not nearly as long ago as I would like to pretend, I am actually proud. Because I was not young, gullible, callow to believe those things. No. I can look at Time and USA Today writing glamorous puff pieces about Smilin’ Stan and think, I was merely ahead of my time.

Or maybe it’s the Cosmic Cube. My new theory is that the Cosmic Cube actually exists, and somebody in the comics field (probably Stan himself, but maybe someone at Diamond or Wizard) has taken possession of it and is slowly warping reality around us. Marvel losing money hand over fist? Stan Lee an Internet millionaire? What next?

What next, of course, is the collaboration between Stan Lee and DC Comics, announced just recently. Stan will write, and DC will publish, a 12 issue series, each issue being a spin on the idea that Stan Lee created the DC Universe. Just to make sure that the subtle nuances of this idea are captured, the series is being called "JUST IMAGINE THAT STAN LEE CREATED THE DC UNIVERSE." Or something along those lines. I have to admit, this series brings a smile to my face. Not because I’m particularly looking forward to Stan’s take of Superman, but because I’m really looking forward to seeing the cover of a comic that supposedly will actually be called "Just Imagine that Stan Lee and John Buscema Created Superman." That title ought to leave a space for a cover illustration about the size of a postcard. And, I don’t know about you, but, ah, the flights of fancy that title alone gives me. Something along the lines of:

This is the first of my two big problems with this whole idea. If you look at the whole Hegelian dialectic (thesis, antithesis, synthesis), it’s pretty obvious that Stan’s genius doesn’t really fit into the ‘thesis’ category. Stan’s best work comes from an antithetical ("Superman’s loved by everyone; Spider-Man is going to be a despised son-of-a-bitch") or synthetical level (alternately playing to and against the majesty of Kirby’s art, for example). The DC Universe was, if nothing else, first, and it’s kind of hard to imagine Stan having nothing to spin off of, if you get my gist. Which is why "Just Imagine..." will probably have Stan looking at everything we know about the DC heroes and pulling various antithetical/synthetical tricks on them ("Superman’s from Krypton, my Superman will be human." "Batman’s rich, my Batman will be poor.").

My other problem with imagining Stan Lee creating the DC Universe is that the DC Universe has already re-created itself in Stan’s image; multi-part storylines, convoluted plotlines, we’re-all-big-buddies-around-the-offices letter pages. Creatively, the cold war was won a long time ago, and Stan was on the winning side. It’s hard to imagine a context of DC in which he won’t seem redundant.

Except for promotion and sales, of course, which is all either Stan or DC are really interested in, obviously. And it’s worked already; I actually had my therapist interrupt me in mid-birth flashback and say, "by the way, did you hear about this thing with Stan Lee and DC comics?" It’s pretty much a perfect match--"Just Imagine that the Last Well-Known Comic Creator Created The Last Well-Known Superheroes"–that Marvel could never hope to equal. After all, I doubt the average guy on the street knows who created Superman, to say nothing of the fact that Siegel and Schuster are dead and so won’t be working on "Let’s Pretend that Siegel And Schuster Created The X-Men!" For similar reasons, you can’t have "What If Bob Kane Created Spider-Man?" (or even "What If Bob Kane Created Batman", for that matter, but that’s probably a topic for another column.)

Anyway, in closing, I’d just like to suggest the following titles, in case Stan or DC get stuck as to how to approach their impending cash cow: