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The 'E' in 'E Ticket' Stands for "Excelsior!" February, 1999

Marvel always has a kooky scheme to save itself. In 1998, it was toys. In 1999, it was theme parks and licensing. In 2000, it was the X-Men movie. And in 2001, it's an odd blend of trendy, popular authors and artificial printing limitations to create "heat." It's the closest they've gotten in four years to thinking about producing quality books. With luck, they'll get closer still....

Fanboy Rampage By Jeff Lester

My timing is good, I'll tell you that. A day and a half after Fanboy Rampage got a regular gig at Onomatopoeia (a finalization process requiring that I must name my first child either Vertigo, Transmet, or Matt Wagner, Jr.), I got a call from Bob Lumpkin, representative for Universal Studios and Marvel Comics. I had been chosen, along with a dozen other comix columnists, for an all-expense-paid trip to Universal Studios in Florida so that I might experience first-hand Marvel Super Hero Island (TM and C). For two days, I had full access to this remarkable place, this larger than life paean to adventure and action, this shrine to everything Marvel. What follows are only a fraction of the excitement and adventure I found:

Rampage! with The Incredible Hulk: A thrill a minute rollercoaster that recreates all the tumult, danger and pathos in the life of the Incredible Hulk. One third of the way through the track, every passenger is taken off the ride and replaced by John Byrne. Afterwards, should you choose, you can buy a t-shirt with a photo of John Byrne sitting in your seat reacting to all the action. Definitely captures the experience of today's Incredible Hulk.

The Marvel Stockholder Reorganization Rollercoaster: A truly frightening ride. Loaded into a rollercoaster car representing the group of initial public investors in Marvel Entertainment, we ascended a quick slope as our stock rose from its opening price of $8 a share to its high of $64 a share. From this expanse, we could see all of Marvel Super Hero Island, (including the hapless teen trying to clean the deep fat fryer at GalactusBurger), the lights and rides of the other Universal Islands, and a fireworks display that represented all the explosive action of IPOs, junk bond offerings, and 90's style stock investment action. Suddenly we were plunged into a terrifying descent as the bottom dropped out of our stock and we plummeted from $64 a share to $1.25 a share. All we could do is scream as our stock crashed straight through the ground and was pulled from trading off the NASDAQ-AMEX. Then we were spun mercilessly through the Bankruptcy Corkscrew until the ride climaxed in the Reorganization Loop-The-Loop. There we hung, upside down and motionless, for nine months as one reorganization plan after another was rejected. Easily the most terrifying ride outside Mike Milkenland.

Snikt! The Wolverine/Punisher/Ghost Rider Playpen: Nothing says fun like an all-ages playpen filled with inflatable jungle gyms and colorful Nerf products, and nothing says Marvel like tough, gritty antiheroes. Bring your toddlers to the W/P/GR playpen, and let themselves stab each other repeatedly with inflatable Adamantium claws, gun each other down with the harmless NerfUzis, and scamper in the brightly lit plastic-ball filled Lake of Hellfire and Endless Damnation. This area is officially approved by The Comics Code Association, somehow.

Freelancer Freefall: Placed in a wooden barrel floating dangerously close to the waterline, those riding this event get the merest taste of what it's like to be a freelancer working for Marvel Comics. You're sent spiraling through Partner Missed His Deadline And We Need This Tomorrow Rapids, crashed among the rocks of Annual Crossover Event Cliffs and sent tumbling down Arbitrary Editor Falls. Before you can board this ride, you have to sign a form saying that not only is Marvel not responsible for any injuries that you might incur, but any fun you might have on the ride is officially Marvel's property as well. As you bob away from the boarding plank, a big sign reads: 'Warning: You Will Take A Bath on This Ride!'

Cosmic Wipeout With The Silver Surfer: Perched on a board, surfing the solar waves, you are Norrin Radd (named here Norrin UltraRadd to be a little more '90s). In one breathtaking ride lasting little more than a minute and a half, you are given a TV show, a toy line, and a comic series that is about to hit issue 150. Then you have it all wrested away from you, leaving behind only a bunch of phony looking aliens at KayBee Toys marked down to 3 for 5 dollars. A little depressing, this ride, according to Universal/Marvel, is not finished. A supposed add-on to the ride, in which you are allowed to join the newly reformed Defenders and be the spokesman for Surfwatch, the Internet censoring kid-friendly search engine, is supposedly forthcoming. As you leave the ride, former heralds of Galactus, with five o'clock shadows and bottles in plain paper bags, hit you up for spare change.

Excelsior! With Stan Lee: A ride of speed and reflexes for all ages. You steer your tiny licensing cart from one Hollywood restaurant to the next, selling the rights to Spider-Man as many times as possible. Kids will love tooting the licensing cart's horn, which says, in the inimitable tones of Stan the Man himself, "Excelsior, True Believer! Buy me a Vodka Gimlet and I'll Let You in on the Movie-Making Masterpiece of the Millennium!" This ride is set in front of what is to be the "Spider-Man, The Motion Picture" ride or, more likely, the "Spider-Man, The Motion Picture Profits Negotiation" ride.

MarvelMania Restaurants: Mmmm, fried Calamari... Continuing its ongoing campaign to make sure that Marvel Comics is synonymous everywhere with good food, all the cuisine at Super Hero Island is of the highest caliber (anywhere from .45 to .357 in the case of the Punisher's Vietnamese Restaurant & War Related Flashback Shack). Whether it's a planet-sized burger at GalactusBurger, an omelette at Continuity Scramble, or a plate of wheatcakes at Uncle Ben's Last Day On Earth, the food is nothing less than mint or near-mint! Order any one of the many delicious chromium colored shakes at the Speculator Freeze Out Ice Cream Hut. Or just line up at Variant A La Cart, where the same item is served on ten different designer plates. No matter what you choose or where you eat, be sure to get a commemorative "I double bagged it at a MarvelMania restaurant!" t-shirt!

After two days at Super Hero Island, I left rejuvenated. Before I left, I said to Lumpkin, "Bob, that was amazing. Where's the Daily Bugle Newsstand? I want to pick up the latest batch of Marvels."

Bob looked at me quizzically. "Comic books? You mean Marvel Four Color Direct Purchase Investor Pamphlets? Why would we have those?"

"You don't sell comic books here?"

"This is big business. Movies. TV. Multimedia." Bob said, "But I'm sure there's a 7-11 around here somewhere. They sell comic books, don't they?"

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