It's all out of the bag. All of it. Every major secret that could be revealed in comics has been revealed in the last six months or so. Matt Murdock now knows that Elektra is alive. Lex Luthor now knows that Clark Kent is Superman. Aunt May now knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy now know The Rose and The Thorn are the same person. (Actually, an even bigger revelation for most of us is that there is a character called "The Rose and The Thorn.")

So I feel it is time for me to reveal my own great secret: I have access to Dr. Doom's time machine, yet another valuable purchase from Ebay (and easier to get than that complete run of Marvel's Planet of the Apes magazines I've been working on). I've used this valuable tool judiciously—or tried to, anyway. I don't know, maybe there's some sort of manual choke on the damn thing, but every time I use it to travel to the past I somehow always end up marrying my own grandmother. Anyway, about the third time that happened, I decided to just stick to traveling to the future.

Fanboy that I am, you'd think that I'd travel to the far future to find out what we've all been wondering for years: conquered by Martians, or intelligent talking apes? Sadly, I'm not brave enough to go that far into the future (slave loincloths make me look very dumpy) but I am happy to bring back reports about Evan Dorkin's Welcome to Eltingville pilot to be shown on Cartoon Network this March 3rd.

As you know, Dorkin's hate/love/hate letter to fandom first appeared in the Instant Piano anthology and then continued to appear regularly in Dorkin's own book, Dork. Covering four heavy-duty comic book, sci-fi, fantasy and horror geeks who obsess over the tiniest fanboy minutiae and yet are barely self-aware enough to realize how miserable they are and how much they hate themselves and each other, Eltingville's foul-mouthed teens would seem to be the perfect characters for the knowing camp on which Cartoon Network prides itself, and for a cable network looking for the next South Park. Dorkin and his long-time collaborator Sarah Dyer worked with pal and Instant Piano alum Stephen DeStefano to create a pilot episode based on the first Instant Piano strip and the classic ten page strip, "Bring Me The Head of Bobba Fett."

Anyway, through the miracle of Victor Von Doom's marvelous time-flying machine (premium gas-guzzling miracle though it is), I bring you the following timeline of Dorkin's project.

March 3rd, 2002: The pilot Welcome to Eltingville is aired on "Adult Swim," Cartoon Network's late night block. The only person in the city of San Francisco who sees it is comic store owner Brian Hibbs, who forgets to tape it for Jeff Lester.

March 8th, 2002: Hibbs tells Lester how great Eltingville pilot was, admits he didn't tape pilot for Lester. Lester goes berserk, tears copy of Essential Ant-Man in half. Hibbs insists Lester buys torn copy of Essential Ant-Man. Lester refuses, having already bought a pristine copy of Essential Ant-Man. Hibbs insists that Lester either trade torn copy for pristine copy, or buy torn copy. Lester asks Hibbs to send torn copy back to Diamond, saying it was damaged in the shipping, and asking for a replacement copy. Hibbs refuses on the grounds that it would be "dishonest." Lester responds that Hibbs apparently wasn't too concerned with honesty when he promised he would tape Eltingville for Lester. Hibbs replies it has nothing to do with honesty, it has to do with Hibbs' inability to remember things and if Lester had reminded Hibbs, Hibbs would have taped Eltingville for Lester. Lester points out that he reminded Hibbs on Friday, March 1st. Hibbs rebuts that Friday, March 1st, "isn't enough notice" and that he should have been reminded closer to the actual event. Lester rejoins that he called Hibbs on the phone, Saturday, March 2nd, and reminded Hibbs. Hibbs again rebuts that this "isn't enough notice" and that he should have been reminded closer to the actual event. Lester points out that he called four times on Sunday, March 3rd, talking to Hibbs once, Hibbs' wife once, and the answering machine twice. Hibbs suggests that this might be considered "overdoing it." Lester responds that since Hibbs didn't actually end up taping the episode, Lester actually didn't do it enough. Lester further goes on to suggest that the only way Hibbs would have taped the episode for Lester was if Lester had gotten in his car, driven over to Hibbs' house in the dead of night, entered Hibbs' house, put a blank videotape in Hibbs' VCR and asked to Hibbs to push the "record" button on Hibbs' remote control, and even then would have only had a "50/50 chance" of Hibbs taping the episode. Hibbs describes this statement as "hyperbole" and "nonsense," made only because Lester is "jealous." Lester insists statement to be accurate, and denies any feelings of jealousy (regardless of Hibbs having seen the Eltingville pilot, owning both his own home and own business, and having an attractive wife) because Hibbs, in Lester's estimation, has smoked such copious amounts of marijuana that he (Lester) is surprised he (Hibbs) doesn't have a group of people who have to call him on the phone "reminding" him to chew, swallow and breathe. Hibbs denies smoking copious amounts of marijuana, preferring to characterize it instead as "lots." Herein, an argument about the definition of the word "lots" ensues, with various etymological theories put forth, such as the theory that the use of the word in said context derives from a standard measurement of land, or the theory that the term as used in said context derives from the measure of allocation in auctions, until Lester finally puts forth the theory that Hibbs has smoked enough marijuana that, if Hibbs were to sell all the marijuana he smoked by the Comix Experience standard—that is, fifty cents a pound—Hibbs would probably make a profit of sixteen or seventeen dollars. Hibbs starts to refute this, pauses, then begins to jot numbers down on a notepad. Eltingville is not mentioned between Lester and Hibbs that day, although a later argument ensues as to whether smoking between thirty-two and thirty-four pounds of marijuana over the course of twenty years should be considered "lots."

March 9th, 2002: Bored at work, Lester checks the Internet to see if another showing of Eltingville is scheduled on Cartoon Network. Cartoon Network's Internet site has no information. A Google search on "Eltingville" turns up four interviews with Evan Dorkin, three pages from "Bring Me The Head of Bobba Fett" scanned and posted without official permission, and two pictures of nude women wrestling and photoshopped to resemble the She-Hulk and the Invisible Girl. Lester spends the next two hours looking for similar photoshopped pictures of naked women who have had superhero costumes "painted on."

March 10, 2002: Checking his email from home, Lester sees picture he sent himself of pictures of nude woman photoshopped to resemble Misty Knight copulating with nude man photoshopped to resemble Iron Fist, and remembers he forgot to find out if Eltingville is to be shown again. Lester emails webmaster at Cartoon Network asking if Eltingville is scheduled for additional showings.

March 11, 2002: Lester checks his email to see if there is a response from webmaster of Cartoon Network. There is none.

March 12, 2002: Lester checks his email to see if there is a response from webmaster of Cartoon Network. There is none.

March 13, 2002: Lester checks his email to see if there is a response from webmaster of Cartoon Network. There is none. Lester writes angry email demanding a response of some kind from webmaster.

March 14, 2002: Lester checks his email to see if there is a response from webmaster of Cartoon Network, either from original email or second angrier email. There is none.

March 15, 2002: Lester checks his email, receives spam inviting Lester to try a "free" issue of Nickelodeon Magazine. No other response.

March 15, 2002: Lester cashes in favor from hacker friend, sends letter to webmaster of Cartoon Network from "TedTurner@TurnerBroadcasting.com" demanding that Welcome to Eltingville be reshown.

March 18, 2002: Evan Dorkin announces on website www.houseoffun.com that Ted Turner has apparently ordered that Welcome to Eltingville be turned into a series, and Cartoon Network has ordered a full season of 22 episodes.

March 19, 2002: Lester wonders if his forged email and announcement of series are somehow intertwined.

March 22, 2002: Lester tells Hibbs entire story in order to solicit Hibbs' opinion. Hibbs opines that anyone who downloads pictures of a nude woman photoshopped to resemble Misty Knight copulating with a nude man photoshopped to resemble Iron Fist "needs serious fucking help, dude. And I mean serious…fucking…help! Your shit is messed up. Messed! Up!" Lester asks for Hibbs' opinion about rest of story. Hibbs blinks and denies hearing any other part of story. Lester insists that Hibbs heard entire story. Hibbs denies hearing entire story. Lester suggests that copious marijuana use has impaired Hibbs' short-term memory, rendering him incapable of remembering conversations that ended five minutes ago. Hibbs rejoins that copious masturbation over pictures of nude woman photoshopped to resemble Misty Knight copulating with nude man photoshopped to resemble Iron Fist have impaired Lester's short-term memory to the point where he cannot realize he never finished entire story. Lester denies masturbating over pictures of nude woman photoshopped to resemble Misty Knight copulating with nude man photoshopped to resemble Iron Fist, and challenges Hibbs to define "copious." Etymological argument ensues.

September 9, 2004: First episode of full season of Welcome To Eltingville debuts on Cartoon Network, by which time Lester has access to Cartoon Network in his own home. Lester forgets to tape it. Show is canceled after first episode, causing Lester to tear other copy of Essential Ant-Man in half. Time reveals itself to possess a circular pattern, after a fashion, and poetic irony again proves itself elegant in its cruelty.